Love is of God

Without the love of our parents, sisters, brothers, spouses, lovers, and friends, we cannot live. Without love we die. Still, for many people this love comes in a very broken and limited way. It can be tainted by power plays, jealousy, resentment, vindictiveness, and even abuse. No human love is the perfect love our hearts desire, and sometimes human love is so imperfect that we can hardly recognise it as love.

In order not to be destroyed by the wounds inflicted by that imperfect human love, we must trust that the source of all love is God’s unlimited, unconditional, perfect love, and that this love is not far away from us but is the gift of God’s Spirit dwelling within us.

Henri Nouwen

I read this quote on Sunday Papers.  I was thinking on the way home from a trip away last weekend that the Church is often so over-concerned with monitoring our experiences of love, deciding whether or not they are "allowed", that we lose the freedom to accept love as and when we find it. Instead of knowing ourselves loved, we worry ourselves sinful.

Sometimes the Church is so cautious, behaving like a huge institutional police officer checking up on whether our relationships are "sinful", that we become obsessed with sin (which usually means sex in this case) and miss the real point of the deep love that can be shared between human beings, which is about being known and loved. 

Of course, love is a complicated thing, not only to work out in real life, but to think or write about. Peterson says:   ..."Love" is one of the slipperiest words in the language. There is no other word in our society more messed up, misunderstood, perverted and misused as the word "love." ...It is often used by the same person in the same conversation in self-contradicting ways - seriously and frivolously, soberly and sentimentally, thoughtfully and teasingly. It is used in the worship of a holy God and as a euphemism for loveless sex. It is used to reveal heart intimacies and commitments and as a cover for telling every sort and variety of lie.  (Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places , p310  hat tip to RF for the quote)

I don't deny that love, and human relationships, are fraught with complications, but all the same I despair sometimes at the way the Church is anxious and cautious about love to the point of being obsessively nosey. It saps the joy and possibility of knowing love when we do see it, and it leaves us prey to a very inferior understanding and expectation of what love is. Some of the friendships where I have most encountered an epiphany of God's love have not been in Church circles, but among circles of friends who do not share "churchy" morals. This doesn't mean that they are immoral. Far from it. They are people who have discovered the freedom to be thoroughly human, to give generously of themselves out of hearts that are full to overflowing with life. This is love, and if it is love, then it is (by any decent Christian definition) "of God".

As Nouwen says, without love - the love of friends and lovers and siblings and parents and children - we die. And despite the imperfection of human love, I think we need to accept and celebrate it where we find it instead of analysing it and legislating it to death.

Comments

[Marie]

Well said! I wonder if this is a lesson the church can learn...

[anybodyinthere]

My roommate and I have been taking a poll of our married and unmarried ("living in sin") friends and have discovered that sex is a fairly trivial part of their long-term, committed relationships. I used to get really uncomfortable with these living-together situations, but I've begun to understand that I can't expect everyone to share my moral code and even if I believe that one aspect of their relationship may carry the weight of sin, that does not make the love they share invalid or wrong. After all, I'm sure I have purely platonic relationships that have sinful aspects (gossip, etc.), but there's still love and goodness to cherish.

Sorry for the tangent...hope it's not too off base.

[Sivin]

Thanks Maggi for a great quote and bonus insights!

[Neale Adams]

Thanks for this, Maggie. You have described the crux of our Anglican "problem."

[Paul Fromont]

Maggi, a very thoughtful post. Much to sit with. Thanks.

[Tony B]

Marriage and "sin" are both artificial human ideas. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with marriage, if I thought that I wouldn't be married. But it's not some pure, God given, perfect state. It's something made up by humans; as is "sin". The concept of marriage at least has a certain nobility about it. The concept of "sin" has always seemed to me to be a tool of the judgemental and an instrument of spite. It says "be beloved of God, but only on our terms". What a pity.

I'm pleased you put "sin" in inverted commas.

[Chris]

Maggi, perhaps one reason why many institutional churches take up the often hurtful and ineffective policing role is because they continue functioning out of an old paradigm - born out of the 18th century holiness revival, where "behaving" was emphasized first, followed by "believing", and finally, "belonging."

I believe God is calling his church to the exact opposite today -- where we emphasize "belonging" first. When we do this, it encourages friendships rather than discouraging them due to imposed legalistic standards. It establishes an atmosphere of grace where love and friendship can take root and grow. And as it does, and as we grow in the next phase: "believing", our love and friendship become more well-informed and healthy. This seems a lot more organic, respectful, and ultimately -- fruitful.

It's great that you're blogging on this topic. It's an important one, and one worthy of thoughtful contemplation and change whether we are inside and outside of institutional church structures.

Blessings.

[Mary]

Thanks Maggi. First time on your site & you've gentled my mind!Maybe there's hope for inclusive anglicanism after all.
[Also you've given me a link to my long-out-of-touch Godfather, Duncan Dormor, through the books section - thanks - I've found a copy and will contact him. :-)]

[Scott]

Thanks for the wise and timely comments!